Old Blog: Grind News PS3

This is another old Blog from ScrewAttack.com. This was an idea I wanted to develope into a feature but never really got off the ground. It was made to be an Onion spinoff for gaming but it didn't really pan out. This is the only one I've done and granted, it's not the greatest piece of satire in the world. But I suppose one has to go througth this phase. This was published on Halloween 2008. Enjoy!

Grind News Exclusive: Sony Announces that 2058 will be the Year of the PS3


Sony Projects the Average Home in the Future

TOKYO, JAPAN – In an official press conference earlier this week, Kazuo Hirai, President of Sony Computer Entertainment, made an official statement that the company’s Playstation 3 hardware will win the console war and have great long lineup of games in 50 years time.
“Our console has been the leading hardware of this generation,” stated Hirai, “and the mass audience of both casual and core gamers will embrace the hardware when their arthritis makes them unable to use an Xbox 360 controller or Wiimote. For our research on our future projections, our CEO’s reviewed the documentary I, Robot and saw our hardware would work wonders in the future. If the main robot in the film had a PS3, there would never have been a murder.”
As the years go on, the company plans on putting the console flying cars, virtual reality rooms, have them strapped into the human brain via backpack, and is also in talks with Apature Science to work with an exclusive deal to tie in with the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device (dubbed the "Portal Gun" or "ASHPD"). They also discussed briefly about a deal with NASA not only involving the system on their rocket programs but also to fly the rockets to a new Mars colony.


Car manufacturers are in talks with the system

The company also added that Blue-Ray, the exclusive movie hardware that comes with the console would play a heavy role in their plan. Barry M. Meyer, Chairmen and CEO of Warner Brothers, gives his thoughts by saying “we will very much be working with Sony at their blue ray technology. We did lose the battle of HD-DVD but we’re not worrying, I’m sure when movies are downloadable a new format will present itself. But hey, ten years working with Blue-Ray will give us some bank.”
Third party developers have already responded to the recent announcement. “I couldn’t be more happy for Sony,” speaks Yoshinori Kawano, director for Capcom’s Deadrising. “The hardware is certainly impressive in today’s gaming world and with all the money we’re making with Xbox 360 games, Capcom will be sure to make something with that income.”
Hideo Kojima, Writer, Director, Producer, Editor, Level Designer, Key Animator, Head Chef, and actor as the Voice of God of the Metal Gear Solid Franchise, had thoughts on the recent announcement. “I’m thrilled at the announcement,” tells Kojima, “how will I be able to cryogenically freeze myself for thousands of years to produce the next Metal Gears with an hour long cutscene for every 10 minutes of gameplay with any other system? There’s no way any other company will come up with the ideas in my massive space-age brain and godlike creative kudos. Now please excuse me while I go in my hovercraft to the Land of Oz.”


Kojima, in a photo sent by the man himself, expressed his thoughts on the announcement.

The masses have plenty to say on the announcement this week. Such high quality, in depth analysis has been given by the community such as “It sucks ass” from Tr@ns4mrzFan420 of the forums at G4TV and sOnY4LifE has made a compelling video on Youtube of a 20 year old humping the system with “Never Gonna Give You Up” playing in the background.
The company has announced no new titles as of yet aside from LittleBigPlanet and Resistance 2 but has also added that the Playstation 2 will last 12 more years and the PSP will last for about 3 minutes.



Special Thanks to CanuckGamer for looking over this blog.